i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
