if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
