Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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