no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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