Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
