Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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