i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
