I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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