Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
