Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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