Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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