I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
