There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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