I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
BRING THE BAGELS
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
