drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
