is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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