cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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