I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
