I faked an abortion last night.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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