I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
