my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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