We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Couch. On fire.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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