Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
