U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
