If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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