I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i just had sex bonerless
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
