If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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