Duck Duck Cougar?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
