Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
