Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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