that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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