I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
