My underwear smells like fireworks.
he thought i was a dude.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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