id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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