My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
My penis needs a shock collar
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
