I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
