She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
