I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
