you didnt know i had herpes?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Just invented taco cereal.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
