Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize
