What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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