tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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