So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
mondays should just be called national damage control day
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
