She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
My first STD was from a foam party
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
