Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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