I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I supernannyed him into submission
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
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