Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
