Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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