the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
