Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
