there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
