just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
