I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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