Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
