so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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