im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
