If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
