I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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