so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
