i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
